A disgruntled hipster musical aficionado has taken to social media in mild-outrage at Jay Z’s new music streaming platform TIDAL.
“TIDAL, pffft,” exasperated 24-year-old DJ and contrary opinion-haver Dan. “It’s just not vinyl is it? It sounds like a laundry detergent or a euphemism for ‘women’s time of the month’, which itself is a euphemism for periods, which is monthly bleeding from the fanny.”
Self-described music authority Dan, whose other hobbies include exotic coffee blends, beard grooming and sea shell collages, was challenged by his friends on his stance causing him to tut elaborately before espousing at length.
“It’s a waste of time,” continued Dan, “it’s like comparing Instagram and a Polaroid, digital is fine, but sometimes you just need a big lump of plastic to waft in front of people’s faces to let them know that you’re serious.”
“It’s so throwaway, people don’t respect the medium,” he added. “When Polaroids were popular, people took blurry photos of bad 70s haircuts and the Kennedy assassination, photos that mattered, now it’s all just pictures of cats or yourself in a bathroom doing an impression of a duck. There’s no integrity in it.”
“Fortunately I carry around a photo album of Polaroids which I have taken of my vinyl collection to quash any doubt in my musical integrity,” continued Dan sagely. “Regardless vinyl is still the only way to listen to music, so if they create a vinyl streaming service then I reckon I’ll be in to that.”
Dan might be in luck as Spotify are said to be interested in trialing a vinyl-only streaming service which uses 3D printers to deliver the medium, it is said to released as soon as “people start to actually give a shit about 3D Printers”.
TIDAL, which is also a metaphor for washed out music artist pretending to care about people’s listening experience instead of money, has also been receiving criticism online for its lack of originality, its cost and Madonna’s table straddling.
“It’s more expensive than Spotify, cheaper than vinyl but is still vastly more expensive than traditional piracy,” concluded Dan. “I mean if I’m going to pay for music then I want to be able to flaunt the fact as proof of my vast musical intellect, or I’ll just download if illegally for free.”
