A fed up Ibiza beach donkey has today decided to “fuck everything”, stop ferrying morons around a strip of sand and get wrecked on a fat bag of ketamine.
Simon the Donkey, who has been carting pissed-up gobshites up and down the sandy shores of Ibiza for over twenty years reportedly lost the plot yesterday when some early arriving workers drunkenly tried to tip him over.
“I’m just sick of putting up with these burnished, hyper-cretins,” explained Simon, who lists his hobbies as horse tranquilizers, clopping, eating imported Burmese hay and Lee Foss. “They think it’s ok to whip me, to mimic sex with me or to make me wear silly straw hats while posing for pics for their self-involved Facebook pages and I’ve just had enough. Fuck it.”
“It used to be fine when Ibiza was more of a European thing but now with EDM, there’s loads of Americans coming over and they’re either mega-heavy muscle bound strongmen or people composed of 86% Big Macs, either way it’s back breaking,” he added. “I’d rather have a drink sodden Brandon Block shit on my back than bench press fat humans all summer.”
“The whole job is degrading, you wouldn’t see a horse being forced to do that, it’s specist,” he added. “Pulling on my ears and doing Shrek impressions, it’s inhumane how I’ve been treated.”
Simon, who has only one season left til retirement, claims he has enough donkey money left to relax back in the stables that he shares with Steve Aoki’s pet monkey Dan Bilzerian and “get totally ossified on proper shardy wobble for the rest of the summer”.
“There’s a few horses in here that I sell hay to who’ll sort me out with some good shit,” explained Simon, who says he’s going to celebrate the decision to quit his job by getting a full hind leg tribal tattoo and tying his mane into a topknot. “It’s a sweet deal with the horses, in exchange for hay I have them pretend their sick until the vet comes and writes them a prescription, it’s the same technique Avicii uses to get his coke.”
“I’m going to go home, bang on a Hot Creations deep house megamix, shovel some fat bumps into my muzzle then let Dan Bilzerian ride me to ket cove,” concluded Simon. “Once we get there then it’s all about swapping bumps for balloons and letting hot female humans pet my fur while I wheeze out the lyrics to Benoit & Sergio’s Walk and Talk and fall around the place laughing.”
