Man Doing Cocaine Suffers Friction Burns To The Penis After He Failed To Pull A Girl On Night Out
A 22-year-old cocaine user was rushed into hospital on Saturday morning after being found tugging away on what appeared to be the worn down nub of his penis after engaging in a 6 hour porn binge when he failed to pull on a night out.
Flatmates who found graphic design student Oliver Smith say that he was coated in a thin sheen of wank sweat and smelled heavily of desperation and cocaine as he hunched over a laptop screen watching Two Girls One Cup.
Witnessed claim that after returning home from a cocaine-fueled happy-hardcore evening with friends, Oliver “had a bit of a horn on him” but unfortunately failed to pull.
“I was absolutely buzzing after my night out,” explained Oliver in the brief moments we got with him from his hospital bed where doctors are treating him for friction burns to the penis and hands. “I even got home, played some tunes out of my iPhone 6 and danced around the living room on my own while swigging Buckfast. It was mental.”
Oliver claimed as he insisted on proving to me that the clarity of sound projected from the iPhone was the same of that from a Funktion One sound system.
“I’d saved my self an eighth of coke for when I got to bed. It was meant to be for me and a girl to enjoy together, but I was that fucked, there was no chance of me pulling,” continued a sore Oliver. “I knew that without a girl I’d have to sort myself out, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to sleep.”
“So I racked up a 1 metre long line on my coffee table, and chipped away at it for the rest of the morning,” he continued. “Next thing I knew, I was on Pornhub, watching ‘Blonde twins go down on mandingo for cash’ for 3 hours straight. It all went down hill from there.”
“After I realised that my hand’s where bleeding, it was too late,” he wept. “My housemates had already broken the door down and had rang an ambulance. I was gutted, I just wanted to carry on partying.”