A young student has inadvertently outed himself as a hipster after using the word ‘bespoke’ in a sentence.
19-year-old Alex Chambers reportedly made the faux pas when showing some friends a set of expensive handlebars he planned to buy so he could turn them into a chandelier using pieces of old string and some fairy lights in used jam jars.
“I had my suspicions that Alex might be a hipster when he started looking up craft projects on Instagram and trying them out himself,” claimed Alex’s friend David. “But he wasn’t until he started talking like a Vaudevillian pirate about minor craft projects or multi-functional urban creative spaces that I knew how far it had gone.”
David says that the moment Alex used the needlessly pretentious synonym for ‘custom-made’ that he had fallen into the ranks of hipsterdom and was undergoing an inevitable process of self-gentrification.
“I don’t even think Alex knew that he was a hipster until that very moment,” claimed David, “but it was obvious that if he didn’t get help then pretty soon he’d be opening his own yoga and bagel, print making studio and attending quilt manufacturing workshops and forcing himself to like vegetarian food.”
David described the moment when Alex’s hipsterness was displayed to the world, “we were sitting in my kitchen, having a cup of tea. Me drinking normal and Alex drinking a lemon and ginger infused herbal of his own design, when he described the handlebars as ‘bespoke’, saying that a girl from his Reiki class makes them from bits of old instruments.”
“I nearly spat out the tea,” continued a bereft David. “It was the most hipster thing anyone had ever said. In the end I just buried my face in my hands and wept and wept.”
David says that Alex had been leaving other clues that he may have been transforming into a hipster long before the ‘bespoke’ outing but that he hoped it might have just been a phase.
Alex’s parents have insisted that it’s tough for them to accept his choice of being a hipster and while they will support him, they have decided to pay for him to have some non-hipster conversion therapy claiming “I just want my son back”.
“I’m going to undergo some aversion therapy to try and kill the hipsterness inside me,” concluded Alex. “I’ll have to stop using needlessly verbose words to describe business ventures, shave properly, watch Steven Spielberg films without a cynical disdain for sentimentalism and become a sports fan.”
