A study released today has confirmed that men are feckless, lazy sods who only aspire to the most rudimentary level on cleanliness “when sex is on the cards”.
Most men, the survey carried out by Cosmopolitan magazine claimed, will happily go for weeks and months without changing their bedsheets, only being prompted to do so when they reckon they might be getting sex.
“What we discovered, or rather, had confirmed, is that 100% of men will happily wallow in their own filth like dirty overgrown babies unless the prospect of placing their penis in a woman arises,” claimed Dr. Angela Britton, the pop sociologist who carried out the survey and probably also gets work as an analyst on Big Brother.
“Some of the men we surveyed were virgins and thus their bedsheets had never been changed but clung to the mattress like a yellow slip of ancient tapestry, except one covered in semen, sweat and small bits of piss.”
“Other men actually didn’t bother changing their sheets even when they knew that a girl was coming around,” she added. “They just brushed off the little bits of tobacco and toenail and opened a window before the girl came over.”
Swab analysis of the bedsheets of those men surveyed found a variety of substances like semen, ballhair, urine, semen again, pizza toppings beer and cannabis.
“I just don’t see the point in changing the sheets,” offered one man, Sam Tymon. “It’s just me there and I don’t really care what state it’s in. I’d sleep on the floor of a toilet if it was comfortable.”
“When a girl comes over I’ll make that special effort and put on fresh sheets, hoover and generally make the room look like I’m not a messy, Xbox addicted, beer drinking manchild with no regard for his own hygiene.”
