Cecil the Lion has been found alive and well at his home in Hwange National Park, Zimbabwe, after what he describes as an epic six weeks on the session.
Fears were aroused for Cecil, who appeared to be malnourished and suffering from “a major dose of the fear”, in early July after he failed to return from a night out with friends, with many people believing he had been killed by the semi-retarded dentist, Walter Palmer.
“I’m not dead,” claimed a disheveled looking Cecil. “Although the way I’m feeling after six weeks on the session part of me kind of wishes I was. Honestly, I seen that Dentist out playing with his bow and arrow and if you think a baldy little geek like him, trying to make himself feel like a big man, could kill a majestic beast like me, then you obviously don’t know much about lions.”
“I’ve been around in my mate Aslan’s den getting proper on it,” continued Cecil. “We started off just having a little drink down by the watering hole, then someone, I think it was Leo, takes out a huge bag of catnip and things got a bit wild.”
“Next thing I know me and Simba are down robbing tranquilliser darts from the park rangers’ hut,” purred Cecil. “There’s some whack off those things when you take them in the right dosage. We were proper wobbled for about four weeks. At one point Aslan tried to jump up on a giraffe’s back because he thought he’d be able to see into the future from that high up, but the daft buggers kept running away, they must have thought we wanted to eat them but we were just off our nuts.”
“It was a fucking awesome session but I’m glad to be home now,” revealed Cecil while circling a patch of long grass to lie down in. “All I want to do is flake out here with one of the lionesses and watch some DVDs, only I can’t, because I’m a lion and we don’t have DVD players.”
Now that Cecil has been found safe and sound, the world’s press are frantically searching for another story to sufficiently pull on people’s heart strings and distract them from police brutality, world hunger and drone strikes.
