Techno-maestro, Chris Liebing, has slipped into a coma today after accidentally playing a track that had a BPM of less than 120bpm.
Chris, who suffers from a rare condition which causes him to lose consciousness if he stops listening to pounding electronic music, was playing a gig in Toronto when the incident occurred.
“One minute he was pumping it out,” recalled a witness, “playing the relentless brand of techno that he’s known for when suddenly he accidentally selected Bette Midler’s Wind Beneath My Wings from his tracks crate and collapsed.”
“The BPM on the track was so slow it couldn’t keep Chris conscious,” added the witness. “I think he might of actually been trying for the Floating Points Dub Remix of Wind Beneath My Wings but played the original instead.”
Witnesses claimed that doctors rushed onstage to treat Chris but not being aware of his condition decided to airlift him to a local hospital where they attempted to revive the producer.
After trying a variety of traditional treatments doctors were stumped until Chris finally regained consciousness just as the life support machine indicated that he was flat lining.
“We didn’t know what to do, everything we tried failed, adrenaline shots, cocaine even crystal meth, none of it had an effect,” claimed Dr. Andy Stanford who treated Chris. “It was only when the machine started beeping quickly that Chris’s heart rate began to increase and his brain activity altered – waking him up, smiling and pumping his fist.”
“Unfortunately once he began to wake up the life support machine stopped beeping quickly and Chris slipped back under, only to be pulled from the brink by the sound of the machine flat lining again,” he continued. “After this occurred a few times we realised what was happening and started treating Chris using a variety of hard techno Youtube playlists that we formerly used to cure EDM fans of being EDM fans.”
Doctors say that Chris has since woken up and is now in stable condition building a synthesizer out of a defibrillator, a stethoscope and some duct tape.
“So long as he keeps listening to music at over 120BPM he should be fine,” concluded doctors. “Although people need to be careful that the BPM doesn’t exceed 140BPM cause then you’re into hardcore territory which will cause the listener to give up any stake in society to become a mephedrone snorting crusty loonbag who hangs around psytrance stages at festivals selling balloons.”
