A young hungover man has reportedly spent the last several hours sat in bed, hunched over his laptop, anxiously googling the symptoms for alcoholism.
Clutching a large glass of red wine to “take the edge off”, 30-year-old Stuart Harkin, a neurotic who routinely thinks he has cancer, explained how suspecting that his drinking is killing him has become something of a habit.
“I remember I used to be able to drink freely and wake up feeling fine but then I turned about 26 and since then I can’t have alcohol pass my lips without then spending the next day under a duvet crying and thinking every slight ache is definitely, definitely liver disease,” explained a moist eyed Stuart, while reading a link that about adult onset diabetes. “It’s more than likely not liver disease and is just my body getting shit at processing booze cause apparently drinking two bottles of wine basically every night isn’t good for you.”
Stuart’s friends claim that despite anxiously suspecting he might be a problem drinker he nevertheless manages to drink most nights “which you kind of have to admire”.
Stuart claims that, in order to offset his latent drinking, he plans on buying a Nutribullet and only eating a mush composed of kale, bananas and regret in the hopes that it’ll prevent his liver from imploding.
According to Stuart the 100 units of alcohol he consumed this week probably place him in the borderline range of alcoholism and will force him to only have a drink on Wednesday through Sunday night, with “maybe a glass or two of wine with dinner on Monday or a few swigs of the flask of whiskey I keep down the back of the shed” if its needed.
“I don’t think I am an alcoholic cause there’s loads of instances where I don’t drink,” he added. “Like when I’m asleep or before the offy opens.”
“I reckon I’m probably okay despite the weird pain in my back, bloody urine and constant blackouts,” he concluded. “I mean it’s not like there’s anything weird with that and besides there’s loads of good gigs coming up and I’m not going to not drink for them, it’ll be fine.”
