ALIEN
Pulsating with more phallic symbolism than Robert Plant’s stuffed crotch – the original Alien is so packed with gloopy, bloody interspecies sex you’d be forgiven for mistaking it for an extra terrestrial snuff movie.
You won’t find any of the detached medical sterility of Fire In The Sky or the synth-pop soundtracked mutual dick suck of Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. Aliens who like to fatally mate with humans get their dicks hard by watching this film.
From the moment a vagina shaped creature rapes a man’s face to the first cock-shaped alien bursting its way out of surrogate mother John Hurt, it’s an organic orgy of fatal consequences and it might be an idea for expectant mothers to switch off and watch something more sedating.
Like Dumbo, in which the arrival of a newborn is depicted in a far more pleasant manner by cartoon storks gently dropping off squeaky clean, smiling babies in blankets.
http://youtu.be/kmDXVbte5Oc
ERASERHEAD
Although sometimes dismissed as pure, surreal nonsense this film is quite clearly about the male fear of pregnancy as old Rubber-head Henry’s worst nightmares come true when his wife gives birth to a screeching dinosaur-sock-puppet-creature-baby-thing.
And to add to the poor fellow’s misery the singing, deformed lady from behind the radiator that he’s secretly in love with is in a different dimension. Or something.
Luckily for the viewer all this is explained in the film’s finale when Henry’s head falls off and some kids sell it to a factory to make into rubbers for the end of pencils. Or in the terms of Lynchian surrealism – penis shaped abortion sticks.
ROSEMARY’S BABY
It’s not the satanic old farts from the house next door that Rosemary had to worry about but her bastard of a husband who offers up his wife to be raped by Satan himself and use her innocent womb as an oven in which to cook a demonic bun.
Surely one of the worst cinema husband choices of all time, this jerk allows his beautiful wife to be used by the devil in front of all his neighbours to better his career and then even has the audacity to mock her new Vidal Sassoon haircut. What a prick.
Also, in the real world, a clan of not very peaceful hippies killed the director Roman Polanski’s pregnant wife because the Lennon & McCartney penned song Helter Skelter told them to.
Lennon would later feel the ironic twist of fate as the novel, Catcher In The Rye, told Mark Chapman to kill the singer. I’m not sure which work of art we can blame for Paul McCartney having to suffer Heather Mills. Probably Treasure Island…
THE FLY
If this was an episode of Jeremy Kyle it would be called ‘I Slept With a Fly…Now My Son’s A Maggot!’.
Jeff Goldblum fails the fly-detector test (ahem), becomes a super horny ultra human (for a short while) and knocks up Geena Davis who then believes, with good cause, that her newborn offspring will be a giant maggot.
Hopefully in the future, as technology develops, there may actually be TV shows of this nature.
http://youtu.be/yZUpj9_Mwp4
JUNIOR
Imagine you’re a first time pregnant woman in 1994. You have all the usual fears, anxieties and hormonal strife. And on top of that, you’re pregnant.
So you go to the cinema for two hours of escapism and have the cast of Twins trivialise the whole concept of childbirth by turning it into a farcical mockery of your condition.
Imagine your horror as you sit and watch while the troll De Vito grimaces and Arnold Schwarzenegger pulls silly faces and runs around in drag in a disturbingly camp Austrian manner. The second worst pain a human can experience is child birth, the first is watching Junior.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AecrVzs_Bi8
WORDS: Will Roberts
