A recent study carried on a market research focus group has revealed that Red Bull gives you wings but magic mushrooms make you fly.
According to market research mogul, Martin Ainsley, panel members were split into two groups, the first given Red Bull and the second given magic mushrooms.
“The group of people who were just given Red Bull over an extended period did develop small wings just below their shoulder blades,” confirmed Ainsley during a chat with Wunderground. “But they were quite pointless, if I had to describe them I’d say they were the Jeremy Beadle’s hand of wings, impractical, small, stubby and completely useless for wanking.”
“The Red Bull ads where the little cartoon guy sprouts a big pair of wings and flies off from a comical situation are clearly a load of bollox,” continued the market researcher. “The only comical situation that occurred in that group was when one of its members shit herself after knocking back eight cans in fifteen minutes, apart from that a lot of chest pain was the only other noteworthy thing to happen.”
“The group that we gave magic mushroom too had a much different experience,” explained Mr. Ainsley. “There was no visible sign of any wings but the people in there were clearly flying. At one stage one of the members stood up on a chair and flew from one side of the room to the other, it wasn’t particularly funny but it was still the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“After a couple of hours the entire room descended into hysteria, there were feathers, mushrooms and underpants everywhere,” recounted Ainsley. “And the best thing was there was absolutely no pants pooping or chest pain at all, although, two different people did think they passed away during the group but that all ended well, with both being spiritually reborn before we wrapped things up.”
Red Bull have confirmed that they will not be changing their advertising tactics, as while the wings sprouted by consumers were pathetically useless they were still wings. However, the did confirm that they will consider adding magic mushroom extracts to the energy drink in a bid to make their customers take flight.
