There was outrage in Berlin last night as it was revealed refugees trying to gain entry to Berghain were being refused.
“They just didn’t have the right look for the place,” confirmed a Berghain spokesperson. “They looked unclean and smelled of smoke, and not the kind of filth you accumulate from sweating to techno for 26 hours and smoking cigarettes, but the kind of dirt you get when your home has been blown up in a raging inferno.”
“Which isn’t the Berghain look,” he continued. “I mean sure, they looked surly and depressed, which would normally guarantee them entry but when they started weeping for drinking water we felt they were layering on the moody hipster shtick a little bit too heavily.”
The confused asylum seekers, who’d recently arrived in Berlin, claim that they stumbled across a queue of disheveled looking clubbers and immediately assumed they were at an Aid station.
“The people in queue looked worse than us, and we walked across Turkey, it was like they hadn’t slept in days,” explained one refugee, Ahmed Berardi. “We joined the queue and waited for hours! It wasn’t until we got to the front and a big bald man with face tattoos told us to piss off in German that we realised our mistake.”
“At first, when they callously told us to fuck off and die, I thought it must have been the embassy of some oil-rich, Arab gulf state,” he added, “but apparently it’s just a nightclub and they don’t even have penicillin or food, only pills and cockrings.”
As news spread of the Syrians’ refusal from Berghain, Berliners expressed shock that they hadn’t been admitted.
“I’m shocked that they were turned away, they were all dressed in black and looked half dead,” exclaimed one local. “They couldn’t be more Berghain if they tried.”
Since this news has been revealed the club has confirmed they will be accepting any refugees that try to enter this weekend, although they were quick to state, any hipsters wearing ‘refugee chic’, will be denied.
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