A 27 year old primary school teacher from Limerick, Ireland, has caused uproar after accidentally booking J.E.S.u.S. to play at the local nativity performance.
J.E.S.u.S., better known individually as Jackmaster, Skream, Eats Everything and Seth Troxler, have been performing as a collective for some time and admit they were as “shocked as anybody” when they arrived to play in a small church hall to a fully seated audience consisting of OAP’s, middle aged parents, pubescent teens, a dozen nuns and a priest.
“The setup was really unique,” said a chirpy Seth. “I liked the traditional Christmassy vibe with the animals, the virgin Mary and the wise men. To be honest I might even get myself some clobber like those dudes because the way the dressed back then was totally on point.”
“What pissed me off was for the first hour only a couple of the grannies seemed to get into it,” moaned Jackmaster. “Usually I have hundreds of people getting their phones out to take photos and film me – but this lot took a while to warm up. We eventually converted them though.”
Skream told us, “Initially I thought every single person in the room was on ket. Nobody stood up, nobody moved from the same spot for ages. It was like one big Christmas K-Hole or something; but then I clocked on to the fact it was a dodgy booking and nobody knew what the fuck was going on or who we were.”
The teacher responsible for this shock performance, Margaret O’Connell, explained, “I am not religious but I know how to put on a good event so when I was given a hefty budget I thought sod getting new costumes for the children or decent production gear, it would be best to spend the full amount on the main act; and there is nobody more relevant than Jesus Christ during the month of December.”
“Obviously I feel like a bit of a cunt for spending twenty grand on what I assumed would be a Jesus Christ lookalike but actually turned out to be some DJ’s calling themselves J.E.S.u.S. but it all worked out fine in the end. We even managed to get an extra nine hours out of the service, it didn’t finish until seven the next morning.”
19 year old Patrick Callaghan, who stayed until the very last song, told us the following, “There was confusion from the outset as the set-up included a stable, a manger, the star of Bethlehem, a donkey, two vinyl decks, four CDJs and a Funktion One sound system. I don’t remember any of that shit being mentioned in the Bible.”
Patrick, better known to his mates as ‘Paddy’, went on to say, “I didn’t even want to be there in the first place. I was dragged along to see my little cousin perform so I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw Seth and the boys take to the decks. I was straight on the phone to my dealer to get some pills dropped off. I never thought I’d see Sister Mary Francis off her tits, or actually see her tits for that matter, but the lord works in mysterious ways.”
