Garage legend Craig David’s return to the music scene has been cut short following an altercation with a promoter after being booked to play a festival on his ‘chill day’.
Craig, who was singlehandedly responsible for millions of pounds worth of beanie hat purchases made by males aged between fifteen and twenty one in 2001, says the whole setup is a complete shambles.
“This is a load of bollocks to be honest. Everybody knows my schedule, it hasn’t changed for decades,” explained David. “On Mondays I meet girls. On Tuesdays I go for drinks. On Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays I make love. On Sundays I chill. They want me to play a festival on a Sunday? No fuckin’ chance mate.”
The 34 year old, best known for his lead role in comedy series Bo’Selecta!, has reinvented himself as a fitness guru over the past five years, appearing naked, pumped and covered in baby oil in Men’s Health magazine and The Daily Mail newspaper.
“My music career began to flag around 2005 which meant I could no longer afford to buy new clothes,” continued the star. “So having lurked in the shadows of the Southampton music scene topless for a few years I had an epiphany. ‘Why not get ripped?’ That way, people would think the reason I had no t-shirt on was for the sake of showing off my rock hard abs and big chest, rather than the actual reason that I had no money for a new jumper.”
Despite the booking being a good opportunity to earn some money and show music lovers he was born to do it, something he has been preaching for over a decade, David believes the promoter is taking advantage of him.
“I am not playing on my chill day. If they want me to perform, they need to re-rewind and give me a Saturday slot. Do they not realise how relevant I was in 2001? I shaped the UK garage scene with my sharp pencil beard.”
“They better fill me in with some better news or I am going to paint myself green, pretend I am the Incredible Hulk and start dropping these mother fuckers one by one.”
Although irate for a while, Craig did eventually calm down. “On Sunday’s I chill. There’s no ‘Netflix and…’ It’s just chill.”
Wunderground has been informed that Craig was last seen and heard in the painting and decorating aisle of Homebase on the phone to his mum. “I’m walking away from the troubles in my life,” he said. “I’m walking away, oh to find a better day.”
