There has been shock and outrage from an overwhelming majority of Britain’s music festival organisers this week following on from the human Dairylea dunker George Osbourne’s budget announcement earlier in the month.
With sweeping reforms in everything from education to sugary drinks and heavier tax on large, soulless corporations the future of the great British festival looks to be somewhat uncertain for many.
Wunderground spoke with an anonymous source who works as a booking agent for one of the country’s biggest festival promoters about what the announcements could mean for the future of the nation’s favourite past-time: getting fucked in muddy fields on borrowed money in a bid to offset the realisation that they have no future.
“Well basically we’re up shit’s creek… and it’s not even one of those nice, solid dry ones that drops straight into the bowl. It’s one of those amorphous, post-pilled up all-nighter ones that coats the sides meaning you have to borrow your girl’s makeup wipes.” Explained our source with a level of detail usually reserved for anthropomorphic studies and feature length episodes of House.
“The oil industry is getting nearly one billion sterling in tax relief, whilst all we’re getting is a tax on sugar based drinks! How the fuck are we supposed to turn a profit selling disgustingly marked up Vodka & Redbull to meathead headed, Topman vest wearing fuccbois now?!”
“I mean for fuck’s sake we’ve literally just booked Craig David, Luck & Neat and Deekline to headline our garage stage: In just one lineup we’ve extracted more fossils than the UK oil & gas industry has managed in the past five years and they get the tax break?!” our source continued, his blood pressure rising faster than the national debt.
Wunderground also spoke with Lucy Cross of the UK Festival Association for a slightly broader overview on what the budget means for promoters in the coming years.
“Well to be fair to Mr Osbourne did forecast over a million new jobs by 2020 and with the rate of bullshit boutique festivals featuring beige headliners like Bonobo popping up year on year we’re definitely going to need a shitload of new drug dealers and people selling booze in novelty containers such as hollowed out prosthetic limbs which have been upcycled from the ever decaying NHS to make them even vaguely bearable… so he’s nailed that.”
“Although he unfortunately has also promised that all schools in the country will be turned into academies by 2020 which means we’ve definitely got at least two more decades of half educated, Bank Of Mum And Dad fuckwits in the pipeline… As a result, it’s probably fair to say then that EDM is here to stay too.”
