The pet world was hit with a shuddering blow this morning after it was confirmed that whiskey is set to replace dog as man’s best friend.
Men and their canine acquaintances have enjoyed a sustained period of friendship ever since the first wolves were domesticated during the Neolithic period over ten thousand years ago. However, our four legged friends will now be expected to step aside and allow whiskey a fair chance of forming an equally strong bond with man.
Dog owner and whiskey drinker Andrew Sheppard spoke to Wunderground earlier, “I love dogs and I love whiskey. I wish they could both be my best friend and I really hate having to choose between them. I think I’ll have to go with whiskey but only because you can’t drink a dog, and even of you could it would taste like some sort of warm meat smoothie and wouldn’t get you pissed.”
RSPCA spokesperson Anne Smith also spoke to Wunderground, “It’s a sad day for dogs, although this day was always going to come, there’s only so many millennia of picking up shit man can take before he finally cracks. I’m actually kind of surprised it’s taken so long.”
“Hopefully we won’t see too much of a decrease in pet dog numbers,” continued Smith. “We’re hoping that people will still let the dogs live in their house as a kind of anti-theft lodger or, at least, get so pissed on whiskey that they won’t even notice they’re there.”
According to whiskey aficionado Jack Daniel-Jameson, the grain based beverage holds a number of advantages over its predecessor.
“Whiskey is very low maintenance,” confirmed Daniel-Jameson. “It won’t get hair everywhere, you don’t have to feed it, walk it or take it to the vet so it has none of the disadvantages of a dog, yet, it can brighten up your day just as much as one of our furry little friends. This is a very significant time for man’s journey on earth and could be a seminal moment in modern human evolution. I’ll drink to that!”
