Retro video game star Pacman has reemerged in the public eye after finally coming down from a twenty year drug binge.
In a revealing interview with Wunderground, Pacman says he is proud to be the new face of children’s TV channel CBBC, after admitting that the past two decades have been “blurry to say the least.”
“My life took a downward turn after I met Aphex Twin, or Power-Pill as I used to call him,” said the resentful floating head sporting a new psychedelic look. “Back in the 90s, he and I were working on a pretty solid EP, but then I caught him in bed with Pacwoman and our partnership was swiftly over.”
Following his controversial split from Pacwoman, Pacman began hitting the pac-dots extra hard, entering a hedonistic phase which led to him overdosing on hallucinogenic “power pellets” and “ghosts”.
“I was used to hitting multiple ghosties in one session, way before they hit the Ibiza shores. There must have been something extra trippy in my power pellets this one night, because I really overdid it,” continued Pacman.
Trying to piece together details of his extended trip, Pacman vaguely remembers spending some time living in Sasha’s apartment, “The next twenty years are pretty much a blank on the memory, although, I do recall crashing with Sasha for a while. He installed me as a table top arcade game in his lounge, but within a month of being there everyone forgot I was a video game and started using me as a surface to snort gear off.”
Pacman also recalls dabbling in music production in the noughties, claiming to be a pioneer of the toy-step genre.
“Kids were starting to use Fisher Price toys to make their music, so I came in with my arcade noises and took it to the next level. I was going to make it big, until Rusko and his mates stole my sound and turned it into their own cheesy brand of dubstep.”
On reflection, Pacman seems unsure whether the cocktail of pac-dots, power pellets and ghosts were leading him on a downward spiral, or whether it was simply bad luck.
“I just kept the lifestyle going, rehab was never an option. It’s fair to say, until recently, I was on my last life and there was nobody around to insert a coin and start a new game with me, until I found CBBC that is.”
The discovery of a new generation of children has breathed life into the arcade veteran. Despite knowing he would not be able to compete for their attention with the Call of Duties and FIFAs of this world, no matter how many pac-dots he consumed, Pacman knew his drab and disheveled face could serve as a stark warning to children not to dabble with drugs.