The world’s first ever cocaine free wedding is set to take place in a remote region of south western Ireland this September.
The wedding, set to take place in the stunning surrounds of the Burren, Co. Claire, will apparently be “one hundred percent cocaine free” despite the fact that there will be a number of people in attendance.
Local parish priest Father Michael O’Neill explained the unusual phenomenon to Wunderground, “It is a very unusual scenario. Even I, as a member if the clergy, am well aware of the amount of cocaine doing the rounds at weddings. I’m actually not adverse to an aul toot myself on the odd occasion, sure doesn’t it all come from one of God’s plants.”
“The wedding we’ve got coming up in September is an extremely rare case, we’re marrying an ex-nun, who are no craic at all, to a converted Jehovah’s Witness, equally as boring, both of whom were orphaned at a young age and grew up with foster parents, who are all now dead,” explained the priest. “I think there’s about six or seven guests expected, three nuns, one local farmer, Matt the publican, the town drunk and myself. I doubt anyone of them even knows what cocaine is, let alone where to buy it.”
“There’s a good chance that this will be, not only be the world’s first ever cocaine free wedding but also, the most boring wedding of all time. I’m already thinking of ways to get out of going to the reception and I’d normally cut my own bollox off to get a free dinner,” continued the holy father. “I suppose I’ll just bring a couple of extra bottles of altar wine and hope I get the chance to finger one of the nuns. That would make up for sitting through a few hours of mind numbing boredom.”
According to Mary Assumpta Burke, the bride to be, the wedding promises to be “a bit wild” after she managed to book a Daniel O’Donnell tribute act, called Grandma’s Wee Favourite, to play at the reception.
