It has now been scientifically proven that weekend rock stars do more drugs than actual rock stars, according to an experiment conducted by Harvard University, Stephen Hawking and Rockstar magazine.
Spanning across half a century, the results revealed that weekend rock stars, also known as weekend warrirors, have all but “embarrassed” those from the music scene by completely leaving them behind in every area of the study, including; “amount consumed”, “amount shared”, “how it’s consumed” and “money spent”.
“We aren’t terribly shocked by these results,” announced seventy four year old Hawking. “I put it down to the fact Keith Richards and Ozzy Osbourne both gave up cocaine in the nineties. Between the pair of them, they were responsible for over half of the coke being sniffed in England around that time.”
“Obviously twenty or so years ago there were no mobile phones either so, if you wanted drugs, you had to arrange a meeting point with your dealer the night before; say outside McDonald’s at midday, and basically stick to it or miss out. We all appreciate how unreliable dealers are so I guess this scuppered hundreds of potential deals. Nowadays, after about the twentieth chase up call, your dealer usually arrives and sorts you out. Technology has played a huge roll in the rise of a weekend rock star.”
Wunderground spoke with Ronnie Ford, Editor of Rockstar Magazine, “The modern day Rock Star is a pussy,” he told us. “Every era has had its wild men, Kurt Cobain, Neil Young, Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, Whitney Houston, Elton John and Bob Marley are all names who you could proudly claim got on it in a big way, like true rock stars do. These days I think the Scottish DJ Jackmaster is the only person in music keeping the fight alive, but even he is getting put to shame by the local accountant, who takes pills, ket, m-cat and mdma every weekend.”
The scientific experiment proved that bricklayers and baristas were ranked as the biggest offenders; with vets, hairdressers, dental nurses and social workers all scoring highly too.
