Islington Council have released a press statement which claims they were “only joking” when they revoked Fabric’s license earlier this year.
In what is being described as the biggest bluff since Brexit, Council members have confirmed that it was never the Council’s intentions to close the nightclub, they just wanted to “fuck with a few ravers’ heads”.
“Of course we were only joking,” claimed Rowena Champion, considered as “the joker” of Islington Council and the brains behind the joke. “Why would we close something that keeps so many undesirables off the streets and out of places where normal people like us like to socialise? We were just fucking with you all and it’s worked an absolute treat. You should have seen your faces.”
“With this joke, we’ve raised the profile of both Islington Council and Fabric and at the same time watched a lot of you numpties loose your shit,” continued Champion. “Now we can all just get back to normal, you lot can continue to go dancing to shit repetative music, while we’ll continue to form uneducated opinions on what you’re doing, point our bony old fingers at you and blame you for societal problems that are actually our fault.”
“It’s a perfect system, and you know what they say, if it’s not broken don’t fix it, unless it’s the roads and we’ve still got budget left over at the end of the year,” revealed Champion. “For our next stunt, we’re planning on closing all of the cycle lanes and redirecting budget from our environmental teams to Councillors’ wages. That’s sure to cause a real shit storm.”
In related news, after today’s announcement and news of Printworks, another venue set to open in London, the city’s nightlife has been temporarily removed from the endangered species list, with its status now only considered “semi-doomed”, more on this as we get it.
