According to sources within the dance music industry, Hardwell’s recently launched fragrance, Eclipse, is ninety nine percent DJ’s tears.
Leaked information from the Dutch DJ’s laptop confirms that Hardwell, best known for resembling a forest elf, has been collecting his tears for almost twenty years and is now bottling and selling them as aftershave.
Wunderground spoke to Alfie de Vries, a close friend of Hardwell’s, earlier today, “Robert (Hardwell) is probably the biggest cry baby in the entire EDM industry,” he told us. “It really doesn’t take much to set him off. Generally speaking, he’s awake for about eighteen hours a day, he probably cries for at least nine of those hours.”
“When he’s mixing he cries if tracks don’t have the same bpm, he cries when each track is over and he cries when he’s finished every mix,” continued de Vries. “In his personal life, practically everything makes him cry. He’ll cry when he needs to go to the toilet, when he watches television, when he talks to his friends, even when he’s masturbating. If there’s any type of emotion attached, it will definitely make him cry.”
“As you can imagine, that’s a lot of tears, he has to drink about nine litres of water a day just to keep up with himself,” he continued. “He’s also extremely mean and doesn’t like to see anything go to waste so he’s been collecting his tears in old water bottles that he keeps under his bed, he’s got quite a collection now.”
“He was planning to break into the Chinese medicine market with them but there was just no demand for DJ tears so he decided to turn them into a fragrance instead. He’s added a hint of Lynx Africa and a fancy bottle and they’re selling like crazy, people really will buy any old shit if it’s packaged right.”
Hardwell’s plans to release a range of “moisturisers” to accompany his fragrance have been scrapped after it was revealed that they were to be made predominantly out of the DJ’s semen.
