A popular London nightclubs has been forced to temporarily close its doors due to flooding associated with the end of Dry January.
According to the BBC’s newest weatherman, Stormzy, the Gaunt Street club is currently under water after a tirade of wetness appeared following the premature collapse of Dry January.
“Every year, about two thirds of the way through January, we get a huge surge of wetness all over the country as people everywhere say ‘fuck it’, come to terms with the fact they’re high functioning alcoholics, go down the boozer and get absolutely cunted off their tits,” he explained earlier.
“This year, with the whole Brexit thing hanging over our heads, Theresa May, Trump, the Koreans, global warming, rising rent prices, international terrorism and a total lack of any good quality hash on the market, people have fallen off the bandwagon really fucking hard,” he continued. “This could be the wettest February on record, and January isn’t even over yet.”
Sources within the Ministry of Sound claim the venue will be open in time for this Saturday’s Together takeover, featuring Sigma, Ookay, DJ Guff, Le Malls and Becky Saif.
“Things got pretty fucking damp around here at the weekend,” claimed artist liaison Andy Smith. “We had Catz and Dogz in here on Saturday and only for Dogz having the ability to do the doggy paddle we could have been looking at a couple of very soggy pets. There’s still about five foot of water in the club, it’s wetter than a gang of nuns in a candle shop in there but we’re confident we’ll have the place fully drained by Saturday.”
Since going to press, a council spokesperson has declared the Gaunt Street area an “official dry zone” amidst fears of further large scale flooding in all other areas of London this weekend, as the nation prepares itself for “Getting Fucked Up February”.
London city officials have issued warnings instructing people to avoid all nightclubs outside the official dry zone this Saturday.
If you would like the chance to party in a safe and dry environment this Saturday click here for more information and tickets.
