According to sources within the underground electronic music scene, David Guetta will not be welcomed back into the community, no matter how many “underground” tracks he makes.
A leaked dossier, outlining Guetta’s plans to infiltrate the underground within the next two years, reportedly surfaced in Berghain’s darkroom last weekend and has caused a major uproar in the underground community.
“There’s no way Guetta is getting back in,” claimed one underground extremist. “You can’t just go making tunes with Nicki Minaj and Justin Bieber and expect to be welcomed back with open arms. No way, that’s not how it works. We don’t care how many Grammys or awards you’ve got, you’ve made your bed, now sleep in it.”
“You can’t just sell out and then all of a sudden want to buy back in,” continued the extremist. “The underground isn’t a place that you can move in and out of willy-nilly. It’s so much more than that. It’s a state of mind, a way of life and, most importantly, it’s a family and if you’re not part of that family or you choose to leave it, you can fuck off and stay fucked off.”
Guetta, who claims he has always been “underground”, believes that it is only a matter of time before he is welcomed back into the fold.
“Honestly, I’m the most underground guy I know,” claimed Guetta, who regularly hangs out with the most un-underground people on the planet. “Sure, I had a bit of a midlife crisis there a couple of years ago and started to make some really trashy music but I was always underground at heart. Do you remember that video of me staring into the distance at Tomorrowland? That was me realising I’d become a laughing stock and now, three years and $200million later, it’s time for me to take my place at the underground table back.”
According to reports, nine out of ten underground music fans have confirmed they would never pay to see David Guetta, while the other one out of every ten were so underground they didn’t even know who David Guetta was.
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