Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have today voiced their fears about the increasingly popular need for DJs to continuously “drop the bass.”
Professor, Mario Castilanni, of MIT’s Department of Ecological Research, spoke about the issue at hand, “I really don’t understand why DJs feel the need to constantly drop the bass during their sets. I remember when each track had one or two build ups in them and when they reached their crescendo the bass would be dropped appropriately.”
“Nowadays we’re inundated with these techy DJs who use their overly elaborate and unnecessary pieces of kit to drop the bass as many times as they like. Some of them are dropping the bass over one hundred times in an hour long set,” surmised Castilanni. “We’re really not sure how long the bass is going to be able to sustain this. What they don’t understand is that the bass is part of a larger ecological system which is so finely balanced that any sort of minor fluctuations could have devastating effects on our planet,” he continued concernedly.
“We’ve been carrying out extensive research on the effects of continuously dropping things here at MIT. The results do not make for happy reading I’m afraid,” explained the perturbed professor. “In eight out of ten cases we found that the continuous dropping of an item resulted in it being damaged beyond repair. Even items that were designed to cope with the stresses of dropping, like a basketball or adolescent testicles, were picking up serious structural damage after sustained periods of use.”
“We also have so many new DJs appearing on the EDM scene who don’t really know how to handle the bass. All it would take is for one careless DJ to drop the bass once too often and it could be gone forever which could have catastrophic consequences for the planet,” claimed Castilanni.
“The most worrying thing about a world without the bass is that we can’t predict exactly what sort of knock-on effect it will have on the planet. We’ve run the details through our Future Analysis Kryptic Encoder or FAKE computer which allows us to virtually predict a number of potential eventualities if the bass were to be broken or destroyed,” he explained with noticeable anguish.
“The worst case scenario the program predicted was the total annihilation of the planet. A rupture in the bass resulted in a rip in the fabric of time causing the Earth to implode leaving nothing but an empty space where it once existed,” he said tensely.
“An even scarier outcome that the program described was one where nearly all of the bass was destroyed except for a small deposit in France owned by David Guetta. This resulted in the Frenchman having total dominance of the music industry. The consequences of this led to a planet-wide suicide epidemic which killed off nearly ninety percent of Earth’s population in under four minutes,” continued the professor. “If we don’t act now to stop the exploitation of the bass we could face similar instances to these or even worse,” warned the anxious professor.
