Fans of ageing dance pioneer Paul Oakenfold have finally been located following an agonizing search which took authorities the best part of a decade.
“We were about to give up hope,” claimed one member of the search team. “We just didn’t think there were any fans of Mr. Oakenfold left alive.”
Rumours abounded that the last fan of Paul Oakenfold, seen here attempting to perform the ‘Geordi La Forge’ – a headphone stance that was popular in the 90s that involves the DJ wearing the headphones on the front of his head, disappeared sometime around 2001 after the producer upped sticks to the United States, but this latest find refutes the idea that Oakenfold has no fans.
“Reports from people who claim that Paul Oakenfold has no fans are wildly inaccurate,” continued the source. “This latest discovery shows that rather than having no fans at all, Mr. Oakenfold can boast as many as three, maybe four, committed fans who are all still very much alive.”
The fans, three childhood friends who have followed Oakenfold’s career since even before he “fucked off to ‘Merica,” were tracked down to the London borough of Hackney where they’d been living for the last fifteen years.
The three remaining fans of Paul Oakenfold have been identified as Michael Cranmer, Adrian Molloy and John Leighton. All thirty-something former ravers who are now settled and working various menial jobs.
“We used to be into the raves back in the day,” explained McDonalds employee Michael. “It was through a mutual love of dance music and clubbing that we became friends in the first place. We’ve only remained friends all these years because we’re in our thirties and trying to make new lasting friendships at this age is an embarrassing exercise in futility.”
Adrian piped in by claiming that they’ve always liked Mr. Oakenfold but that their interest peaked with the release of the Oakenfold: Two Years At Cream. “Aye, that was some mix that,” beamed Adrian, with a reminiscent gleam in his eye. “We still get together and play it every few weeks and chew our faces off so that we never, ever forget.”
“There used to be so many more of us,” explained John. “But over the years we’ve sort of dwindled down. There used to be an Oakey fan at every rave you’d go to, but over the years they’ve just become fewer and fewer until it was only the three of us left who still listen to him.”
“It’s kind of unexpected to be honest,” said John. “I honestly thought there’d be more of us. Next thing you’ll be telling me that no-one listens to D: Ream or Ace of Base anymore.”
“I’ll always love Oakey. I’ve had the Big Brother theme song as my ringtone for years,” he added. “On a perfect planet, we’d all still be Oakey fans.”
The news that a DJ such as Oakey can still boast fans has been greeted with optimism by Seb Fontaine, Judge Jules and Brandon Block. However authorities have warned that any chances of finding fans of the three former heavyweights are “highly unlikely” but that they’ll continue to concentrate their best efforts at “old school themed nights aimed at ageing ravers.”
