Thirty year old clubber, Dale Anderson, got the fright of his life last week when, during a heavy-bender-induced period of detox, he shat out an eight inch tall, miniature version of Happy Mondays’ frontman, Shaun Ryder.
“I’d had a really heavy few weeks of partying,” claimed Dale. “I felt groggy and toxic from all the late nights, alcohol and drugs so decided to give myself a total detox and purge my body in time for Christmas.”
Dale claimed that after several days of eating fresh fruit, taking regular exercise and eliminating drugs and alcohol he began to feel much better but was still suffering from mild discomfort in his abdomen.
“All of a sudden I got these sharp pains in my stomach,” continued Dale. “Hearing faint rumblings in my gut I ran to the toilet and plopped on the bowl expecting a barrage of foulness to splash out but nothing happened. Something was leaving me constipated.”
It was at that point that Dale began to hear the nasally vocals to Happy Mondays classic, Step On, filling the bathroom. “I thought it was coming from my next door neighbour’s at first but, as I pushed harder to force out the shit, it started to get strangely louder.”
After several forceful heaves Dale successfully voided his bowels but was surprised to find that the sound of someone singing Step On had become even louder again. “I couldn’t place where the lyrics were coming from so I pivoted on the toilet and looked down. There, looking back up at me, was an action figure sized version of Shaun Ryder telling me I was twisting his melon man.”
After jumping off the toilet with a sob and cowering behind the shower curtain Dale claims that he tried to flush the mini-Shaun down the toilet. “But he was too quick for me,” recounted Dale. “He grabbed a hold of the toilet seat and vaulted up. He then wiped himself off, stuck his fingers up at me, called me a “spastic prick” and jumped out the window laughing.”
“When I looked out after him he’d already climbed down the drain and was making good his escape on the back of next door’s cat,” he added. “The cat was never seen again.”
Scientists were initially baffled by Dale’s story but some preliminary research indicates that “all clubbers have a miniature version of Shaun Ryder living in their small intestines,” and that this mini-Shaun is responsible for the drug taking appetite displayed by most clubbers.
“The ‘mini-Shaun’ sits in your gut and tells you ‘take this’ or ‘drink that,'” explained addiction expert, Allen Cray. “Once a person suffering from addiction expels the mini-Shaun from their gut they’re essentially cured.”
Shaun Ryder has said that he was not surprised to hear that there were miniature doppelgangers of him living in people’s intestines claiming that “in 1995 I shat out a miniature version of Keith Moon from The Who,” but neglected to tell anyone because “they’d have just thought it was more of my mad U.F.O. shit. But it weren’t, it were real. Little prick.”
Dale has since claimed that he is happy to have gotten rid of mini-Shaun, but that he’ll always bear the scars of what happened.
“Nothing quite prepares you for the shock that you feel when you realise that you’ve just shitted out a tiny, living version of dance music pioneer Shaun Ryder,” concluded Dale. “I nearly shat myself again.”
