DJ Sneak Apologises To The People Of Liverpool

DJ Sneak has this morning taken to the radio to apologise to the city of Liverpool for his series of scathing online attacks via twitter yesterday.

The formerly well-known DJ spoke on Liverpool’s Kiss Fm breakfast show this morning, and when questioned about yesterday’s online rant against Yousef’s Circus event in which he appeared last Saturday, he apologized profusely to every resident in the city, stating “I had my meriod (man-period). You can laugh all you like…but it’s a real thing.”

The feisty has-been then went on to state, “Being a house gangsta and all, I’m usually surrounded by lots of ladies. They go everywhere with me. It was great at first! I had sex on tap, I got a huge ego boost from being surrounded by near naked women all of the time and when all of my brassieres were in the wash there was always someone kind enough to lend me one.”

“But then, after a few weeks, our cycles started to sync up and all of the girls began riding the cotton pony in unison! Worse still, I became extremely moody and just wanted to lie around all day in my comfy pyjamas, eating Ben & Jerry’s, watching Sex In The City and crying about what bastards all the other DJs are.”

The obviously confused Sneak then added, “It’s just been terrible. What makes it worse is the lack of an actual period. I just get all of the side effects, without any of the validation. Every month, when I feel myself starting to despair and I know it’s coming, I check my panties and pray for some kind of sign.”

“One night, in drunk desperation, mid-PMT, I stabbed myself in the groin with a family planning pen I got for free in the local clinic before falling asleep weeping on the sofa.”

“I woke up the next morning alone and covered in blood with an immense craving for some chocolate. After gorging on whatever sweet stuff I could find, my goldfish, Twinky, accidentally got dipped into some Nutella and I wasn’t able to stop myself in time. I sat bloated on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out and saying the word “Twinky” over and over again.”

“Then I remembered my goldfish was dead, and started crying about that too. All the while I was filled with this overwhelming rage burning inside me that all men were bastards. So I picked up my phone and seen a tweet from the Swedish House Mafia bragging about their new no-deck handsfree set, so I gave them a piece of my mind.”

“It all just escalated from there,” added Sneak as he sobbed into a pink handkerchief one of the girls had passed over his shoulder. “Every month, when things went south, I would just go men bashing on Twitter. Nobody was safe! Seth Troxler, Joris Voorn…I even told Tama Sumo to go and fuck himself thinking it was a man. I was losing it.”

When quizzed by the radio show’s host, Mike Easter, about what went wrong last Saturday night at Circus, Sneak hung his head. “This is embarrassing,” he wept before taking a moment to compose himself. After a few swigs from his sippy cup he continued, “The event was sold out. I thought I was going to have a great night and was really excited to DJ. When I got the venue, it was heaving!”

“I started into my usual Bumpity Bump set that used to do really well for me in the 90’s, but nobody was feeling it, again. After about 20 minutes everybody had left the room and had gone next door to see Fatboy Slim, who just happens to be another evil man-bastard pissing on my parade.”

“The only people left in my room were two of my girls who had fallen asleep. I got really lonely and just wanted everybody to come back. I’m well used to my sets going that way, I mean, it happens at every gig these days. I probably shouldn’t have lashed out the way I did. It was just that time of the month, you know?”

The contrite DJ concluded by saying that he never meant to denigrate an entire city of people and that from now on he would avoid scheduling gigs around his time of the month and would instead spend the few days of his meriod away from Twitter so that he doesn’t completely ruin his career.