Shocking developments from the north pole today reveal that popular red-nose reindeer, Rudolph, has been admitted to a drug rehabilitation center for a suspected addiction to cocaine.
Santa is said to be devastated by the news, reportedly contending that he knew nothing and thought that the white powder that would appear sporadically on Rudolph’s nose was “just snow.” According to sources the mythical toymaker has secluded himself in his workshop where he is said to be tearfully adding Rudolph’s name to the ‘naughty list.’
Wunderground managed to speak to second most popular reindeer, Donner, about the developments. “Santa is understandably devastated. He didn’t suspect a thing. I think he knew that Rudy was a bit of a loner and didn’t really fit in with the rest of us reindeer, but he never suspected that he was into drugs.”
Donner claims that himself and the other reindeer had been aware of Rudolph’s battle with drugs for quite a long time. “It was obvious frankly, his nose was glowing red from constantly railing lines of coke. Santa thought it was just some kind of cute quirk, but it’s actually just evidence of the abuse that he’s done to his body from years of cocaine use.”
“Frankly he was a bad influence and that’s why none of us ever let him join in any of our reindeer games,” explained Donner. “He had a snappy, paranoid temper and was always accusing us of conspiring with Santa to leave him behind on Christmas Eve. It was delusional. I hope he gets the help he needs.”
“I just feel sorry for Santa,” admitted Donner. “I know he’ll miss Rudolph and his bright, cocaine addled nose on foggy Christmas Eves.”
“But if you ask me,” he concluded. “I don’t think a nose that’s glowing bright red due to years of unchecked cocaine abuse is an appropriate substitute for sufficiently strong fog lamps bright enough to find the way through dark misty nights.”
“Plus it sends a bad message to children. That message being – abusing cocaine is okay so long as it affords you some kind of quirky advantage, like being able to use your glaring nose to see in the dark.”
