Outspoken head of the Catholic Church and God’s representative on Earth, Pope Francis, has claimed that banging “techno gives me a fucking break from all this christmas music” being played constantly during the holiday season.
“It’s Christmas, we get it. Stop with all the hymns and carols,” he said. “Most of them are unsanctioned by the church I’ll have you know.”
The pope, who rates Ben Klock and Dave Clarke amongst his favourites, said that “listening to Christmas music gets tedious after about four minutes” and should be kept to “Christmas Eve and, at a push, Christmas Day” but after that time “people need to get back to the harder shit.”
“Normally I’m on a strict diet of banging, industrial techno,” he continued. “I love nothing more than kicking back after a hard day of blessing people and opulent living with a tasty bit of Jeff Mills.”
“If I had my way then every mass would be a sweaty, underground affair with wall rattling techno and sacramental wine,” offered the pope. “The only place I ever talk to God is out on that dancefloor, not while saying mass.”
“I don’t know why we still do it every year, come on, it’s getting old now,” he sighed. “Jesus was 2000 years ago, techno is so much more relevant than Christ. It’s bigger than Jesus.”
The pope assured the faithful that his musical taste favours only the darkest and most underground of electronic music. “Oh God no, I wouldn’t be into the whole EDM thing. It’s the farthest thing from Christmas you could get. I mean what’s Christmassy about taking a pure and well meaning thought and then shamelessly using that message to make money?”
“God most certainly is not a DJ,” he concluded. “But I wish he had been.”
Ha ha biblical techno!