“A Big Fuck Off” Now An Official Unit Of Measurement
Using the expression “a big fuck off” as a unit of measurement has been officially recognised by the International Organisation of Measuring Tapes, it has emerged.
Calling the agreement “a big fuck off show of consideration to profane colloquialisms” the IOMT will be petitioning the Oxford Dictionary for the phrases inclusion in the next edition of “their big fuck off book of words and meanings”.
Talking to Wunderground the man many view as largely responsible for the incorporation of a big fuck off into common parlance, Wayne Carling (pictured measuring a big fuck off with his hands), said he’d be celebrating “big time”.
“I’m going to have a big fuck off lunch followed by the biggest, fuck offingest glasses of red wine this side of a Sex and the City reunion,” he smiled. “Naturally after that I’ll score some ket and rack out some big fuck off bumps and get proper wobbly.”
Explaining the use of the term and how it will stack up against other more traditional forms of measurements Wayne said: “Well one big fuck off is equal to about two or three whoppers or about ten nices, so this isn’t a small portion of anything. The biggest fuck off we’ve measured so far would probably be a tie between the big fuck off arse on Kim Kardashian or the big fuck off bass drop found in any LFO track.”
“They’re even using it as Cern, just this week I heard Brian Cox quip that the super massive black hole at the center of the galaxy was ‘one big fuck off gravity well.’ It’s so massive, it’s almost ten to the power of eight big fuck offs.”
Big fuck off has been variously used to measure food, drink, concepts and wanks, with the team behind making big fuck off an official term of measurement claiming “it was a big fuck off hassle to get it officially recognised but it was worth it. Now we’re all off for a big fuck off Wednesday morning slice of champagne, bubble baths and cocaine.”
Big fuck off, explained Wayne, is not only used to measure physical items but can also be used in the abstract, “for example if you’ve had a big argument with your other half it’d be perfectly acceptable to say you had a massive fuck off argument with the missus who then proceeded to tell you to fuck off out of the house, but in a big fuck off voice.”
After achieving success with incorporating big fuck off as a measurement Wayne claims his next mission is to have time measure entirely in the amount of pints a person has drank: “One pint denotes fifteen minutes”.
“I’m having some push back from the Royal Society at the moment but if they just give me two pints to state my case then I’m predicting a big fuck off turn around.”