Popular music streaming website Soundcloud has simultaneously shocked and insulted would-be DJs all over the world by announcing today that the reason they have been removing mixes from the site is simply because they think they’re shit.
Popular belief amongst the bedroom DJing community was that Soundcloud had been removing mixes as part of a new copyright policy, however, that theory has now been discredited after a source from within the company confirmed that they only removed mixes which were “boring, ugly, EDM or basically just shit”.
“We’ve never really given too much thought to copyright issues,” explained Soundcloud spokesman Mark Stratus. “So the idea of DJs thinking we were removing their mixes because they were breaking some sort of regulation is laughable. We’ve painstakingly listened to the first four minutes of every mix and removed all the ones we thought were shit smeared files of pissy tripe.”
“There was just too much crap on our site and it was causing us all sorts of trouble with our server so we had no choice but to cut out all of the bog standard arse wipery that people were calling mixes,” continued Mr. Stratus. “And as it happened the vast majority of mixes on our site are shit so we’ve really got our work cut out removing them all, we’ve actually had to take on extra staff just to remove all of the mixes we don’t like.”
Rumours that twenty seconds of “white noise” as an intro will help mixes avoid removal were also rubbished after Mr. Stratus said, “White noise just makes us angry and you won’t like us when we’re angry. We’ll be fifty percent more likely to remove your mixes if you use it.”
Mr. Stratus also revealed that the removal of over 10 million “shit mixes” has seen a noticeable increase in the quality of the website, indicating that they “only freeze and crash about thirty percent of the time now” which is a marked improvement on the “ninety percent this time last year”.
According to Stratus one way to ensure your mixes don’t sound so mind numbingly shit is by upgrading your Soundcloud account to Pro, “For a small fee you can upgrade to a Pro account, the money you pay acts as a kind of shit filter so no matter how crappy or boring your mix is we won’t remove it.”
“Just look at Calvin Harris’s page, it’s full of really shit mixes but because he has a Pro account none of them have been removed.”