Alright you gang of tarts? It’s Danny Dwyer here again and this is the last time I’m going to be talking to you about Sonus Festival so you better pay attention to what can only be described as the most significant guide since the lad who brought Laurence of Arabia through the desert. This time round we’re going to be looking at artists, and I’m not talking about divs like Picasso or Van bleeding Gogh, I’m talking about serious electronic artist who know how to fill a stadium, not just a poxy piece of canvas with a few squiggly lines.
The lineup for this year’s festival is sicker than the children’s ward of a hospital during a meningitis outbreak! Now that’s a sick lineup! It’s got a little bit of something for everyone, from acid house to techno, there’s something for you. So much so that there’s far too much for me to talk about here, instead I’m gonna pick the cream of the crop which should be more than enough to show you just how good the lineup actually is.
My personal favourite, despite not being English, is Cocoon boss Sven Väth. Papa Sven has come a long way since his Electrica Salsa days and is now considered to be the absolute godfather of techno by almost everyone in the business. Sven turned fifty last year and apparently he’s so nice that he agreed to let a number of cheesy EDM muppets perform at his party. He had Steve Aoki carry the cake and Afrojack scare the children away from the adults only areas. Luckily for us, he won’t be bringing any of his new found friends to Sonus with him, just a bag of his favourite vinyls to keep us all entertained during his set.
This year you’ll also be able to check out the Resident Advisor number one DJ and Innervisions label boss Dixon. The lad’s been smashing the industry lately, the only things that are sculpted better than this man’s sets are my youthful good looks. Apparently he’s a pretty good footballer too, probably not good enough to play for West Ham but that’s never stopped us signing players in the past so you never know. I’ve also heard Dixon is really good friend’s with David Hasselhoff and they were considering playing a set back to back at this year’s festival. Unfortunately the last seat on the flight over was booked by Dixon’s Innervisions partner Âme so it looks like we’ll have to wait to see Hasselhoff for another year but at least you’ll be able to see Âme instead.
You’ll be happy to know that the Berlin based duo Tale of Us are also set to rock one of the clubs at this year’s festival. It’s quite lucky that the guys are still gigging together after it was reported that they were set to split last year due to Matteo’s constant farting in the DJ box. Luckily enough Matteo has since gone to see an arse doctor, I think it was the same one who surgically removed the stick from Calvin Harris’s arse, and now they’re the best of friends again.
Another one of my favourite DJs who’ll be playing at this year’s festival is Hot Creations’ Jamie Jones. There were rumours emerging earlier in the year that he wouldn’t play the festival after he accused Seth Troxler of copyright infringement, claiming that their hairdos were way too similar. But apparently they came to an agreement which will see a line drawn across the middle of the festival and they’ll both have to keep to their own designated halves. Last I heard they were even less likely to fight after Troxler resculpted his facial hair so here’s hoping it’ll all go off without a dust up at the festival but, just in case, I’ve put a cheeky tenner on Jones by knockout if it does end in a scrap.
You might be thinking ‘wow that’s a seriously good line up’ already but that’s not even the tip of the iceberg mate. I haven’t even mentioned the likes of Jackmaster, who should be able to stay sober without Skream’s influence. Guy Gerber, who’s agreed to take some time away from his emoji art exhibition in Tel Aviv to play and Marco Carola who has agreed to play for seventy two hours straight. Plus a hell of a lot more. It’s gonna be proper naughty!!
