Abbey Road Studios is facing closure after being on the receiving end of accusations that the historic building may actually be contributing to the rise of global warming.
Representatives from the studio have denied the claims and insisted that global warming is entirely down to “flatulent cows” and that “while [their] musicians like to partake in the occasional fart,” they are not responsible for the amount of harmful gases in the atmosphere.
Whilst it is true that cows fart smelly gas out of their bums occasionally, activists from militant cattle protection organisation, Brownpeace, insist that it is much more likely that the enormous amount of musicians that have congregated at said studios have produced more gas than cows.
Validity is added to this claim following statements made by Abbey Road spokesperson, Daniel Wright, which suggest that Sir Paul McCartney and John Lennon had farting competitions both with the engineers and amongst themselves.
“Paul’s farts were quite wholesome,” claimed Daniel. “They had that boy next door quality, the kind of farts you might expect a diligent scout to make in a wood.”
“Whereas John’s were more reckless and full on. They had a squelchy quality, like the kind you’d expect a heavy set woman to let off while in the shower,” continued Daniel. “For John, farting was sticking his two fingers up to society – if those two fingers had just been down the back of his pants and were now coated in a shitty mist and coming directly for your unprotected nostrils.”
“Some of their best farts though, were when they worked together. The different styles of fart complimented each other so well,” explained Daniel. “This no doubt helped productivity and creativity in the band.”
“While the farts they were letting off were seminal and way ahead of their time, I don’t think there’s any evidence to suggest that they’re some way responsible for global warming. Maybe I’ll accept that they’re responsible for Oasis, but not global warming.”
Ringo Starr fondly remembers those years in the studio and John’s farts in particular, which he claims “rubbed a lot of people up the wrong way.”
“I’m in no way suggesting that it was his attitude towards farting that ultimately killed him, but you’ve got to entertain the idea, I mean, they were fairly controversial.”
“Ironically enough, a jar of his gas would probably sell for more than all of the combined ass vapours of the musicians who’ve worked here since,” added Ringo.
In spite of Abbey Road’s protestations, Brownpeace, are still insisting that the studio, more than cows, is responsible for climate change. Representative of Brownpeace and dairy farmer, Nathan Holloway, claimed that “if I accept that cows are responsible for global warming then there is no denying the impact they’ve also made on popular music. Cows farts are constantly used in creative sampling amongst producers. In fact, it is so popular now that several top ten hits on Beatport and iTunes have been the work of cow farts.”
“I don’t want to give too much away, but every X Factor artist that has emerged recently has been produced by a cow’s anus,” continued Nathan. “I mean if you think about it, it makes sense Simon Cowell would use producers he is comfortable hanging around with…actually I think he may well be related to them.”
The stand off between Abbey Road Studios and cows looks set to continue until one party admits responsibility for global warming and the state of popular music with most commentators insisting that the only peaceful resolution is for them to share the blame with Abbey Road accepting its part in global warming and farting cows taking sole responsibility for X-Factor.
