The World Health Organisation have today confirmed the source of the Ebola virus outbreak as a used pair of Afrojack’s underwear.
The underwear in question, a pair of extra small striped blue and white boxer shorts, was discovered yesterday afternoon by the Dutch EDM star’s house keeper Maria Santos.
“Mr. Afrojack doesn’t like it when I go into his bedroom, it’s normally full to the brim with semen crusted toilet paper so I usually stay clear,” explained Ms. Santos during an interview with Wunderground earlier today. “His room always stinks like a dead rat up a donkey’s ass but it’s been much worse than that recently so I had to go in there to clean it out .”
“If I was to try and describe the smell I’d say ‘imagine what it would smell like if you boiled a pot full of human shit, mixed in some ammonia and sulphur to make it into a nice consistent brown paste. Smeared the paste all over a corpse that’s been bathing in a bath full of sour milk. Then left the rotting, milky, shit smeared corpse in a dark room for a couple of months,'” she creatively explained. “That doesn’t really do it justice but I imagine it would probably be similar to how his bedroom smelled yesterday.”
“When I seen the boxer shorts I just panicked. They were covered in shit, piss, blood, semen, chicken bones, some sort of salsa and at least four other unidentifiable substances,” she continued. “I just ran out of the room and dialled 911. I was a nervous wreck, I sat in the kitchen clutching my rosary beads and saying hail Marys until the police arrived.”
Mike Bishop, the first police officer on the scene, described what he found, “It’s definitely the worst thing I’ve ever seen during my time as a cop. Even worse then the time I discovered a crazy woman eating a baby. This kind of stuff sticks with you for the rest of your life,” he somberly revealed.
The virus, which up until now was believed to have originated in West Africa, is extremely dangerous leading to a prompt response from local authorities. Afrojack, pictured above hopefully infecting Steve Aoki, and the entire area have now been quarantined, meaning all of the DJs upcoming shows have been cancelled.
The World Health Organisation have confirmed that there has been no firm plan to remove the boxer shorts put in place, although rumours are emerging which suggest that the only safe way to dispose of them is to give them a one way ticket on a rocket ship and blast them into space, along with Afrojack and his entire back catalog.
