Alcohol & Drug Free Rave “Basically Just Step Aerobics”
An investigation into the burgeoning pre-work morning glory rave scene has concluded that without the presence of alcohol and drugs they’re “basically just step aerobics”.
“They’re like an underage, chaperoned disco for aspirational bellends in their early 30s who view clubbing culture as just another thing to appropriate for kitsch value,” explained lead investigator, Douglas Broom.
Describing the scenes inside the raves, which serve orange juice and organic muesli instead of booze and ketamine, as “nothing like a rave in the true sense of the word” more like a group of “overly health conscious dweebs who can’t hack the sesh trying to convince themselves that exercise can be fun”.
“Have you ever seen step aerobics, it’s exactly like that?” explained Douglas.
“You know that feeling you get when you forget to stock up on pills before going out and you can’t spot anyone with them? It’s basically that for four hours and there’s no booze either. You’d actually probably have more craic going to a real step aerobics session.”
“I’m not saying that alcohol and drugs are inherent in dance music and clubbing culture, I’m only saying that without alcohol and drugs there wouldn’t be dance music.”
“Unlike real raves where your sweat is composed predominantly of ecstasy effluent and booze, here it’s just water and actual sweat,” he added. “Plus you can actually make eye contact with everyone there.”
“Why don’t we just give everything we find vaguely disagreeable a pounding pop house soundtrack and hope that that somehow makes it better,” elaborated Douglas.
“‘I’m sorry you have cancer but here, have a listen to this Disclosure CD and go dance in the corner.'” suggested Douglas. “Or equally as similar would be thinking to yourself, ‘Oh, you need to take out the rubbish later, why don’t you bring this disco ball with you and pretend you’re Michael Jackson, that’ll make it seem less tedious.'”
“Probably.”