It has been sensationally revealed today that every single DJ biography that appears on social media profiles, Soundcloud artist pages and press packs, is actually just a “random jumble of buzzwords” that make no sense whatsoever.
“From reading DJ bios I started noticing some similarities,” says code breaker Virginia Langley, who made the discovery after being the first person in the history of the world to read all the way down to the end of every DJ bio. “They all start out very similar in describing how the DJs’ started out, so it’ll usually be some apocryphal tale of how they got their first drum machine in the womb or built their own synth using bits of old cardboard and some fridge magnets.”
Virginia claims that all DJ biographies begin in this manner, but that there is a point in the text when she suspects “the author knows the reader is about to get bored and stop reading so just types any nonsense”. When this happens, claims Virginia, the words cease having any meaning and instead resemble “the erratic utterances of a dyslexic monkey”.
“Around about the third paragraph it’ll usually be explaining how the DJs got their first big break playing for hours every night for free, or some other self serving statement to display humility, but after that the whole thing just descends into a weird ramble of nonsense,” explained Virginia. “It’s really strange, but almost every one of them that I’ve so far analysed will just feature random buzzwords typed out of all syntactical relevance.”
Virginia claims that throughout the course of her research the most common terms she came across were “respect, passion, progressive, eclectic, relevant and daisy chains”.
“It’s basically just those words used in variety of random combinations that put together give the illusion of making sense and indicating that the DJ in question is someone who has impeccable pedigree and has served his or her time,” added Virginia.
Virginia claims she isn’t sure why all the biographies become “a confused morass of complimentary terms” though she suspects that press agents are obligated to put out DJ bios yet are aware that nobody actually reads them and so “don’t really bother anymore”.
“Well I think they just get bored towards the end because, as we all know, writing press releases and bios for musicians is a thankless and futile enterprise that will deaden the very soul of anyone who does it,” concluded Virginia. “No one, except me, in the history of all music has ever bothered reading down past the third paragraph which indicates how irrelevant they actually are.”
