Despite claims from the scientific community that no human cloning has ever taken place, there may now be evidence that some has indeed occurred. A leading geneticist who wished to remain anonymous has made bold claims today that every doorman in Britain is cloned from the DNA of Ross Kemp.
He has claimed that the DNA was taken from a stray follicle which Kemp had left unattended during the filming of Ross Kemp on Gangs. Supposedly, Combat 18 sold it to the Genetic Institute of Trent (GIT) during a funding initiative in early 2000. The institute itself, located in Terrence on Trent, Derbyshire, has strongly denied the claims, saying that they have only ever cloned sheep, and even then, they’re not entirely sure that has worked because all sheep look the same to them anyway.
The statement has caused great consternation amongst the scientific community, citing a lack of ethics for the reason for the uproar. These are the same scientists who waste time doing research on why toast falls on its’ buttered side, who develop weapons of mass destruction and who test make-up on animals, who they claim are concerned about their appearance anyway, so they don’t mind.
Ross Kemp was unavailable for questioning, as he was busy filming Ross Kemp On Crack for Channel 4. However, we did manage to find a Doorman who looked just like him (which, to be honest, wasn’t difficult…) and he muttered something about this reporter being a “Geezer who was mugging him off for fits of shits and giggles,” and that he would only answer questions if “we weren’t wearing trainers”. We pointed out that he was wearing jeans, and unfortunately the irony was lost on him. Perhaps he misunderstood, and presumed we meant “Genes”, but either way the scene quickly debilitated into a scene from Eastenders with Geezers throwing shapes all over the shop, innit.
