London’s position as one of the most culturally influential cities in the world was revealed to be under threat earlier this week when it was announced that London Nightlife has now been placed on PETA’s endangered species in between the White Rhino, a tragic victim of the black-market poaching trade and its lesser spotted cousin the Spearmint Rhino, a victim of outmoded sexual attitudes toward women.
An endlessly spiralling cycle of housing legislation, constant delays in running of all night tube services, drug crackdowns and rents higher than Richie Hawtin half way through a ten hour set have all been cited as contributing factors to London’s nightlife woes but the key factor, according to expert analysis, is the gentrification of both the communities in which the clubs are situated and the drinks lists of the clubs themselves.
Wunderground spoke with Kevin Fairbrass, promoter at pivotal London nightspot Fabric and member of the Nightlife Action Squad, for his take on the recent findings.
“Well it does sound selfish but to be totally honest we really hoped the middle and upper classes would reserve their vile pursuit of killing off endangered species solely to those on the plains of Africa”
“Forget the odd tusk-less rhino; we can’t move outside the bloody club for swathes of over-privileged fuckwits wearing linen suits, complaining about noise levels and trying to open pop-up hummus bars in our fucking smoking area!” Mr Fairbrass exclaimed whilst wiping what appeared to be a viscous paste of blood and chickpea from his sweatshirt.
“Our club has been here thirty-six years… their Tupperware million pound flat full of smug family portraits and River Cottage cookbooks only popped up six months ago. How the fuck is all the noise suddenly a surprise to them?!”
Pressure from new residents regarding noise levels aren’t the only issue facing Nightlife across the city at present however as Mr Fairbrass went on to explain:
“…It would actually be easier to smuggle a fucking rhino into the club than a couple of pingers these days; the amount of security we’ve had to add on in response to council pressure is absurd. The resulting drop in attendance has forced us to “contemporise” our drinks list… Which is worse still.”
“If you are going to flog a Coke tin sized beer or jam jar of Kale juice for six quid in a club, you simply have to expect it to be populated by the sort of trust-fund spunking sputum that genuinely thinks it’s cool to roll up to the venue on an ultra-light, graphite frame penny farthing whilst taking selfies as opposed to real people who just want to get wankered and dance” a clearly exasperated Mr Fairbrass continued as he cracked his fifth Super Tenenants.
“The Conservatives and their property developer mates have got a lot to answer for… And Boris Johnson. Who the fuck even elected him anyway?! It looks like someone tried to make a Christopher Lambert sculpture out of room temperature Babybel and failed horrifically. He’s no Don Johnson that’s for sure.”
“I think it might be time to cut our losses and just start organising raves in Wetherspoons.”
