The United States of America is set to introduce a nationwide ban on human beings at all public events in a last-ditch attempt to curtail mass shootings.
An emergency summit called by President Trump has concluded that the most effective way to stop these atrocities from happening, is by making all public events completely off limits for citizens.
“Today is a great day for the safety of every man, woman and child in the United States of America,” claimed President Trump earlier. “No longer will we need to fear mentally unstable people with access to guns, as from now on, we will hide away in our houses and apartments from them.”
“From this day forward, all public events will be completely human free, meaning the maniacs will have absolutely no one to shoot at,” claimed the President, best known for being there exact same shade of orange as a Cheetos XXTRA Flamin’ Hot. “We can finally feel safe from the threat that nobody deserves to be under, unless they’re one of our enemies and we’re fucking up their country.”
According to one leading gun lobbyist, Jimmy Callaghan, the decision to ban people from public events should have been made years ago.
“It’as about fucking time this happened,” claimed the Alabama native. “Just think of all of the lives that would have been saved if we’d done this even five years ago. By effectively turning people into prisoners in their own homes, we’ll be keeping them safe and stopping gun owners from getting a bad rap.”
Washington sources have confirmed that the human ban will come into effect this December, just in time for the busy Christmas period.