An American dentist claims to have developed a brand new type of “teeth friendly crack” that will not cause any tooth decay.
Dentist Paul White believes that his new version of the highly addictive drug will open up the crack market to a “completely new clientele”.
“As a dentist, I see a lot of people who come to me with problems with their teeth caused by prolonged use of crack,” explained White earlier today. “A lot of the time, these people don’t have any money or insurance, so I have to have them escorted from the premises but sometimes they do. In fact, some of them are actually quite rich.”
“So, I decided to develop a new version of the drug that, not only won’t rot your teeth but, will actually make your teeth stronger and whiter than they were before you smoked it,” continued the dentist. “I call it smiley crack and I’m going to make an absolute fortune selling it to some of my richer clients.”
“I’ve also developed a brand new vaping system that will allow my customers to become addicted, with a fifty percent less chance of respiratory illness,” claimed White. “It’s a health and mouth conscious choice for the modern crack addict, and all at just one thousand percent of the cost of normal street craic, I’ll even throw in a starter pack free of charge.”
Highly functional crack addict Phillip McGraw, aka Dr Phil, also spoke to Wunderground, “This absolutely fantastic news,” he told happily. “About fifteen years ago, I started to smoke a little bit of crack before my shows, at first it was to properly empathise with my guests but, after a while, I really started to enjoy it and before long I was totally hooked.”
“I’ve been hiding my addiction ever since,” he admitted. “Most of the symptoms are quite easy to cover up when you’re rich, except for the whole rotten teeth thing. I’ve been painting mine with Tipp-Ex since 2007, now, with this new crack, I might not have to do that anymore. Sign me up!”
According to reports, other highly functional crack addicts showing interest in White’s drug include; Donal Trump, Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, the entire British Royal Family, Jeremy Clarkson, Sir David Attenborough, Steven Hawking and your nan.
