Hipsters all over the globe are today preparing for an attack by the Amish community. A statement was made today via carrier pigeon by the Amish League of America that unless hipsters stop appropriating their face fluff, an all out war may ensue.
The head of the ALA, Levi Prosper, made damning statements of hipster culture, claiming that nobody can out-retro an Amish person, that they had the beards first and that hipster culture had an inbuilt self destruct mechanism due to culture being inherently cyclical.
He explained, “We bring every style back again and again. And it is happening more and more quickly. When the recycle catches up with the cycle, hipsters will be just part of the crowd again.” It was at this point that the message was unfortunately cut short by the pigeon’s ability to only carry a limited amount of weight.
What we could glean from the message was that the Amish are preparing to attack Shoreditch and Camden in London, and Temple Bar in Dublin if there is not a mass shearing by the hipsters this very evening.
According to the Amish League, Amish men and women all over the world, both groups who are enormously proud of their bearded faces are being confused with hipsters. Many hipster purists have spotted Amish families in horse-drawn carts and have felt compelled to be even more “retro” by travelling by chariot, or in some extreme cases, in vehicles resembling Flintstone cars.
Some Hipsters have now taken to wearing animal fur and dancing around fire in an attempt to bring retro to its logical conclusion. The competition to out-retro the Amish has left the Amish feeling like futurists and has caused anger in the community about new fangled witchery like shovels and bathing.
Our correspondent who was on location in an Amish community in Middle America has indeed confirmed that they are planning an attack. It would seem their armaments include pointy wooden sticks, horse-drawn catapults and particularly heavy copies of the Bible. However, not to be outdone, the hipsters own arsenal includes sneers, I-phone strategy-game apps and an overwhelming sense of smugness.
Top analysts in the world of fashion have commented, “It will all be out of fashion in no time and none of this will matter.” We then found an analyst who was obviously not as world weary, and he claimed, “None of it matters anyway.”
Should the Amish win this war, Wunderground will continue in the form of a pamphlet etched in bark which will be brought by carrier pigeon to anyone who wishes to read it. Any comments by readers on the articles must be returned to us in the form of prayer.
I, for one, welcome our Amish overlords