Andy Ferguson, from Irish production duo, Bicep, will undergo drastic surgery that will see the young producer have fake biceps surgically grafted to his upper arm.
The procedure, to be carried out by the same doctor who completed Nina Kraviz’s controversial beard graft surgery, is something that Andy has been planning for a while.
“I never really filled out like other boys,” Andy explained. “I’d try everything to improve my upper arm strength like lifting big two litre jugs of milk, throwing rocks at swans, skipping and of course, masturbation. But unfortunately, no matter how much I masturbated, and it was a lot, it never really made any difference to my upper arm strength,” he lamented. “I found out later that my biceps were deprived of necessary oxygen and would always be small, like those of a pubescent boy or middle-aged yoga teacher.”
“When myself and Matt (McBriar) came together with the Feel My Bicep blog the bicep reference was just a private joke about my pathetic lack of upper arm strength,” continued Andy. “But with our productions and the level of respect we’ve gotten in the scene we’re now so identified with the name Bicep that fans are sometimes disappointed when they see me and tell me that I have the upper body of Mr. Muscle.”
“I remember at a gig in Belfast and Matt was pumping his hand into the air and really getting into a track. His arm looked stunning. Our friendship is purely platonic but in that moment it looked amazing,” said Andy breathlessly. “I tried to put my hand in the air too but because my biceps don’t exist my arm just wilted weakly like an old man’s soft cock and slapped back down across my temple.”
Dr. Nick Riveria, who will carry out the procedure, explained how the surgery would be completed. “Well in situations like this it is very important to use the patient’s own muscle tissue to avoid the possibility of rejection. So we will take tissue from Andy’s gluteus maximus, his buttocks, and attach that muscle tissue to his deltoids, his pectoralis major and the other arm muscles. I’m confident that following the procedure his bum muscle will grow back like normal.”
Andy, pictured before the bicep surgery, claimed that in order to have the biggest biceps possible he has been undergoing a rigorous glutes training program. “I’ve been doing all kinds of glute exercises,” Andy explained. “I’ve been twerking for about 5 to 6 hours every day while working in the studio, which kind of gets in the way a bit but my glutes are so pumped and defined, like those of a pole dancer or baby horse. I’ve been oiling them nightly and crooning to them softly. I just can’t wait until they’re attached to my arm and I can curl them and kiss them open mouthed,” enthused Andy.
“They’re definitely going to be a big boost for me personally and professionally,” concluded Andy. “Now when I tell people ‘I’m Andy from Bicep’, they won’t just glance at my arm and snigger.
ahahah!