Scientists and researchers from around the globe have predicted that “21st century super gesture heart hands”, the pithy hand movement famously performed by commercial DJs and other idiots, is set to replace all forms of human communication by the year 2025 if the current EDM explosion continues unabated.
“We think that it’ll get to a point where the entire spectrum of human emotion will be able to be expressed, not by speaking aloud or through facial expressions, but by heart hands,” claimed Dr. Alun Kirwan, a language specialist from the Cambridge Institute of Language Research, an expert in the evolution of language and communication. “Heart hands has been called ‘the 21st century super gesture’ by colleagues and it really is that, the applicability of it and potential is simply staggering.”
Dr. Kirwan, who first began researching heart hands after witnessing it performed by Armin Van Buuren at the end of a set, elaborated on some of the potential uses that heart hands would have for society at large. “Well clapping for one will be a thing of the past,” he said. “You’ll be at a show and if you see someone clapping rather than doing heart hands then you’ll probably think that, rather than applauding the performer for a good show, the guy’s hand was having a fight with his other hand and you’d have no choice but to have that person committed into psychiatric care as a mental. And you’d be right.”
The uses for heart hands, claims Dr. Kirwan, are not limited to expressing appreciation for a performance, which is its principal use today, but can be utilised for every aspect of human interaction. “Eventually all human communication will be reduced to some variation of heart hands. It’ll make expressing emotion, now hindered by talking, so much more efficient.”
“You can use it to say ‘I love you,’ or ‘I like you a lot,'” continued Dr. Kirwan, “and even for expressing everyday things like ‘I’ve gotten my period, do you have a sanitary napkin? No? Okay I’ll just use some cotton wool’ or ‘Damn, I’ve dropped my toast on the buttered side, now I’ll either have to make more or eat it and hope I don’t get ill.'”
“You know, things like that,” he added.
“Babies will actually learn how to do heart hands before they crawl,” he enthused. “When soldiers salute, it’ll be by doing heart hands – which will be somewhat ironic, but thankfully the only way to express the concept of irony will be by doing heart hands so nobody will know.”
Ravers around the globe have embraced the news that heart hands will achieve the popularity that scientists are predicting. “I’m delighted,” claimed one. “If you don’t believe me, have a look at my hands,” he said, while performing heart hands.
“I use it arbitrarily already,” claimed another raver, bedecked in candy jewelry. “Good set, bad set, it doesn’t matter. Heart hands.”
Dr. Kirwan described how, in the heart hands future, it won’t only be human gestures that are expressed through heart hands but everyday objects like bowls, sandwiches and car keys will be in the shape of heart hands.
“All screens will, by EU directive, have to be in the shape of heart hands,” explained Dr. Kirwan. “Footballs and rugby balls will also be under the same stringent rules. Heart hands will improve on the traditional spherical football because it’s actually a more geometric shape than the circle. Now, there’s no actual proof that that’s true but there’s also no proof that that’s not true, so what does that tell you?”
“There will also be massive commercial potential gained from the adoption of heart hands as the only form of human interaction,” concluded Dr. Kirwan. “If say for example, a prostitute wants to fellate two men at once, she can simply perform the heart hands gesture, which will safely accommodate two erect penises, fellate each man to orgasm and move onto the next john in half the time. Now that’s progress.”
