A Calvin Harris fan from Bottoms Fold, Lancashire, England has claimed that his head has begun to hurt during his first attempt to listen to Aphex Twin’s new album, Syro. His claims were made yesterday via his Facebook account, which he uses under the handle ROFLHarris.
“The music’s too challenging,” the statement began. “I’m a fan of good music. Like Calvin Harris, Lady Gaga and The Stereophonics. I know good music when I hear it,” said ROFL, seemingly unaware of the irony of his statements.
“This Aphex Twin stuff is just too much for one mind to take. I’m not even sure how one mind would make it. I’m sure he had help from those sexy bearded ladies in his videos,” he further claimed.
“It’s like the first time I heard jazz, I was all like WTF?!” he exclaimed via his keyboard. “What happened to melodies I can sing along with while I’m pissed drunk and puking in a shoe? That’s the key to great music, and it’s the reason Dexy’s Midnight Runners are still as popular today as they ever were.”
“Calvin Harris is the man,” he wrote. “You know what his songs are about. Summer is about Summer. Thinking About You is about thinking about someone. Awooga is about John Fashanu. And The Girls is a delicately balanced treatise on feminism in the post feminist world.”
“Minipops…” he continued, “Minipops is about what? You can’t rely on the music alone to convey the emotion, that’s why you get guest vocalists to sing trite repetitive lyrics in your songs, so everyone knows exactly what it’s about. That’s the reason I love the Stereophonics, their motives are clear. There are things he has, there are things he wants to have. There are things he wants. There are things he wants to want. No messing around there,” said ROFL, the greatest keyboard warrior of his age.
The statements he made managed to garner an incredible three likes from his friends, showing the enduring popularity of Calvin Harris.
