In a shocking development, the average worldwide age of DJs has been revealed as fourteen.
The statistic, released earlier today by the American market research firm SIS International, confirmed that the vast majority of the world’s DJs are neither old enough to enter clubs or buy their own equipment.
Marcus Feldman, a spokesperson for SIS, spoke to Wunderground, “Our survey encompassed over ten thousand DJs in over forty countries around the world so it gives a very accurate representation of world wide DJ statistics.”
“When we look at the results, compared to the last survey we took in 2006, we can see a drastic reduction in the average age of DJs’,” continued Mr Feldman. “Given the number of videos of six or seven year old DJs appearing on social media we were expecting to see a bit of a drop but we thought it would come in between eighteen and twenty one, we never expected it to be as low as fourteen.”
“This year, we’ve seen a huge influx in DJs between the ages of one and six,” explained Feldman. “In many cases children are taking up DJing before being able to walk, talk, wipe their own ass or eat solid foods, many of them practicing for up to fifteen hours a day, only stopping to breast feed, have their nappy changed or throw a tantrum because they’re unable to mix a Steve Aoki track with the theme music from Barney without the Steve Aoki track sounding childish.”
“While the statistic may look good for the future of DJing, the vast majority of young DJs are what are referred to as ‘sync button wanker’ and their technique relies heavily on technology,” claimed Mr Feldman. “So in many ways they will do more damage than good to the future of the art form. Most of the young DJs are influenced by EDM DJs so by the time they have become old enough to buy their own equipment or play in a club there’s a very good chance that they will have lost interest or realised that their heros were, in fact, shite bags who were unworty of their praise. This could, in theory, be the worst thing that has ever happened to DJing.”
Other statistics the survey revealed include; one in five DJs don’t know how to beatmatch, ninety percent of DJs claimed they only scratch if they have “an itch or a rash”, riders are more important than sound quality and Tinder is the best place to promote upcoming gigs.