A local barman has claimed that he knew you’d come crawling back sooner or later after your latest attempts to “knock the drink on the head” inevitably failed last weekend.
Josephs Bloggs III, working in bars all over the country, revealed that he is preparing to be “lashed out of it” as January comes to an end and all of his “pathetic customers” show up with “their tails between their legs”.
“It’s the same every year,” revealed a smug Bloggs III earlier. “The first couple of weeks of the year are completely dead, then, the third week comes along and things start to pick up again before the end of the month hits, when people get paid and the bars are packed out again.”
“The last weekend of January is up there with the busiest times of the year,” continued the barman. “Everyone always goes on this crazy self-improvement buzz at the beginning of the year. It’s pretty pathetic, people mistake being broke and having an accumulated two week hangover for being health conscious and caring about the fact they’re poisoning their bodies, then, as soon as their first pay cheque of the year comes in they’re straight back down the pub.”
“They don’t just come in for a couple of sociables either, they’re back drinking with a vengeance and making up for the previous two or three weekends they’ve missed out on,” continued the barman. “I didn’t always work behind a bar, I was in the army and did three tours in Afghanistan. I can honestly say, the Helmand Province hasn’t got a patch on British pubs the last week in January, it’s total slaughter.”
“I knew this year wouldn’t be any different,” he said with a smile. “The truth is, nobody wants to stop drinking. They might think they do but once they discover how mind numbingly boring their life is without a weekly trip to the boozer it doesn’t take them too long to come crawling back with their tails between their legs.”
In related news, drug dealers are set to be able to afford to eat again for the first time in almost three weeks as their customers’ judgement levels will be significantly reduced by returning to the pub.