The truth behind Spongebob’s pants has been revealed today after the cartoon character was caught smuggling a kilo of cocaine at Southampton port.
According to customs officers, a life-size yellow sponge was intercepted with a “significant amount of cocaine” concealed in his underwear.
“At approximately four fifteen p.m. we discovered a kilo block of cocaine in a male sponge’s underwear,” confirmed Officer James Berkeley of Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise. “The sponge appeared to be wearing square pants but, on further examination, they were actually normal pants stuffed with cocaine to make them look square.”
Wunderground also managed to speak to Patrick Star, an associate of Spongebob, “That little yellow bastard would want to keep his mouth shut about that coke,” he told us aggressively. “Everyone thinks Spongebob is the main man because of that poxy cartoon but I’m the one who actually pulls the strings and makes things happen.”
“That daft bastard would be nothing without me,” continued Patrick, who was a lot more intimidating off screen. “Pineapples under the sea ain’t cheap you know and cartoons don’t exactly pay well, I set up this little side business so he could live in the lap of luxury, he better remember that when he’s being interrogated.”
“We had a good thing going, we must have smuggled about a tonne of coke over the last ten years thanks to those square pants,” revealed the starfish. “It was never going to last forever. I’ve been talking to this little girl, her name’s Dora, she’s big into the exploring so I’m hoping she might come across some coke factories while she’s exploring the rainforests in South America and score some cost price gear, that should get this little venture up and running again.”
Interpol reports indicate that approximately fifteen percent of the world’s cocaine is smuggled by cartoon characters, Nickelodeon’s Johnny Bravo is believed to be at controlling the Cartoon Cartel.