A GQ magazine survey has today concluded that the sexiest and most desirable feature in men is being in possession of cocaine.
“Tans, buff chests and ‘ceps in revealing wife beaters all pale in comparison to the sexiness of a man who is in possession of even the slightest amount of cocaine,” claimed a GQ spokesperson who says that upon discovering this linchpin of male attractiveness he now no longer slicks his hair like he was born in 1905 or affects a broody pout when women are present – instead relying on the sexy power of cocaine. “I now carry cocaine with me at all times and I don’t try to hide it too – you’ve got to flash it or else it doesn’t work as a seduction technique.”
“I don’t know what it is about a guy having some coke,” declared 22 year old model and self confessed fashionista Stacy Swanson. “Maybe it’s like those pheromone things that attract people, a musk that you want to snort deeply into your nose for free.”
“There’s just something undeniably sexy about a bloke with cocaine,” she added, “mainly it’s the possibility that he’ll give me some. I once went out with a boy racer with a crap mustache, violent tendencies towards people and a small penis but it was the best free drugs I’ve ever had.”
Men who have famously been deemed sexy on account of being in possession of cocaine include most local drug dealers, former TV host John Leslie and cartoonish 90s popstar Simply Red – who has bedded a host of women in spite of having no redeeming physical features and looking like a melting skull on fire.
It is believed that the attractiveness caused by being in possession of cocaine is not limited to either sex with both women and men having dramatic improvements in attractiveness to either sex based on having a bit of coke – with some men even willing to “go gay” for a man with cocaine.
“I’ve never performed a sex act on a man,” claimed one respondent, “but for the right amount of cocaine I’d totally be into it.”
