Groundbreaking research carried out by the people who carry out groundbreaking research has claimed that being sober, the state of consciousness that affects most of us outside of evenings and weekends, is inherently “not as good” as being drunk.
“Being sober, or ‘sobriety’, as we’ve tentatively named it, is for when you’ve got to do difficult things like thread a needle or kick a football with a semblance of grace,” claimed lead expert in science stuff, Darren Campbell. “It’s also useful for when carrying out pointless activities like having to be sensible, drive a bus or do a job.”
“Whereas being drunk is the perfect state to be in in any possible situation including historically appropriate times like – when declaring undying love, singing poorly or writing poetry.”
Scientists have recommended that extended bouts of sobriety can be damaging to your health as well as social life. “We’d recommend that people drink at least every day of the week to maintain healthy levels of good humour, lecherousness and lowered inhibitions, which of course facilitates the growth of penises, known to be very good for men in particular.”
The study went on to claim that 100% of humanity agreed with the research and indicated in the study that being drunk “prevented boredom, increased the enjoyment of music, sport, film, cigarettes and food” while also being extremely good for the environment and fans of hangovers.
“To be very honest, I wouldn’t stay sober for any extended period of time, it’s just not as good as being drunk and, as well as that, I’m married,” he added. “I’ve been sober a few times in my life and every time it’s happened I’ve just been left sat around thinking ‘a few drinks would make this night a lot better.'”
“At the end of the day people just function better when drunk, it’s a well known fact that Winston Churchill was pissed up when he wrote all those speeches about having a fight on a beach,” he concluded. “Whereas Hitler was teetotal and he went and killed all those people. One can’t help but wonder if he’d have killed all those people if he’d just lightened up and had a drink every now and again.”
