Legendary Berlin techno institution Berghain is set to close its doors for a full weekend due to a clash with Amsterdam electronic music festival, Dekmantel.
Berghain, the hangout spot for Berlin’s moustached aristocracy and home of the low plunging black T-shirt, will shut its doors between the 30th July and 2nd August, closing on consecutive Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights for the first time in over a decade.
“After much deliberation we’ve decided that it is not a viable option to open while Dekmantel festival is running,” claimed Berghain spokesperson Trent Muller via press release earlier. “We’ve tried everything we could to keep the club open but there simply aren’t enough DJs in the world.”
“We’ve spoke to a number of agencies and it seems that every credible DJ is either playing at or planning to attend the festival,” continued Muller. “The only DJs who were actually available were Calvin Harris, who would cost our entire year’s budget, and Judge Jules, who wouldn’t get in with those stupid glasses, so we had no option but to close.”
“It’s not fair,” claimed Muller with a pout, “but if you can’t beat’em, join’em. It’ll be nice to have a weekend off for a change and our entire crew are traveling to Amsterdam for our holidays. My only concern is that without Berghain’s basement the city’s parks, car parks and bus shelters will be over run by lusty homosexuals with nowhere else to go, the more conservative people in the city should prepare themselves for public acts of man love that weekend.”
According to experts, the Dekmantel DJ drought is spreading globally, with clubs as far afield as Paris, London and Tokyo said to be feeling the pinch.
London’s Fabric is another club ready to close its doors, “We don’t get the chance to take weekends off very often,” claimed bar manager Alan Pierce. “Usually I’d go clubbing but that doesn’t seem to be an option this time round, I’ll probably just end up sitting at home watching live streams from Dekmantel.”
While in Paris Rex is set to temporarily open as a traditional French shrugging studio where people will go to practice their aloofness, smoking cigarettes, moping and disowning David Guetta.
