Legendary Berlin institution Berghain, favoured hang out of moustache models, people dressed like undertakers and Felix Da Housecat, is set to close its doors for a full weekend due to a clash with Amsterdam electronic music festival, Dekmantel.
“This is only the second time we’ve ever closed our doors,” claimed a Berghain spokesperson replete with dog collar, assless pants and, weirdly, a stick of bright blue candy floss which match the colour of his chest length beard. “The only other time we closed down was back in 2006 after Ben Klock’s razor like jaw accidentally sliced through the mains power supply when he slipped while trying to set up his 1210s.”
“It was terrible, Marcel Dettman, who was present for the fall, almost lost a third of his hair when he tried to catch Ben from slipping but thankfully he pulled back in time and actually got quite a snazzy hairdo out of it,” he added.
Berghain, as well as a number of top European clubs such as Fabric and Rex, must close their doors for the weekend of Dekmantel festival due to a DJ drought caused by almost 100% of the world’s top DJs either playing or in attendance at the Amsterdam event.
A spokesperson for Fabric, whose brief closure has caused a round of poorly executed high fives among the London City Council members keen to close the club, has said that they’ll embrace the inevitability of the closure and use the space to make a long anticipated dance music themed British porno featuring snarling former DJs Brandon Block and Jeremy Healy.
“Basically every male DJ fantasises about becoming a DJ so they can create scenarios in which beautiful young women throw themselves at them,” claimed Block between belts of triple whiskeys and Viagra. “Unfortunately that doesn’t happen as much as you’d think or like, so we’re going to make this porn specifically for DJs.”
“It’s going to be great,” added Healy. “I’ll be playing a set, a girl will make a request and, rather than telling her to fuck off immediately, I’ll notice she has boobs so I’ll play the Taylor Swift track she wants on repeat while I watch her cavort beside the decks, eventually then I’ll make some innuendos combining DJing and sex, perhaps calling myself a dick jockey – then we’ll hump in true British fashion, to the sounds of a hard house megamix.”
“It’s going to be a masterpiece,” he added.
Most of the clubs affected by the talent drought caused by all of their DJs going to Dekmantel are weathering the storm in similarly admirable fashion with Rex Paris opening as a traditional French shrugging studio where people will go to practice their aloofness, smoking cigarettes and moping.
“I’m kind of glad that everyone being at Dekmantel is causing all of the DJs to leave Rex for the weekend,” claimed club founder Laurent Garnier. “It gives us a chance to get back to what’s important about French culture – being vaguely disaffected with everything, suffering from ennui and disowning David Guetta.”
